Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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