alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
