rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
