Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
You can't motorboat a personality
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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