Only a mothe r could love this liver
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
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