I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
