You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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