cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize