if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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