ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize