Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
