Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
sarcasm needs its own font
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
