Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Dignity is for republicans.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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