I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I deserve this hangover.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
