You're a womanizer and a bitch.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
