I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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