do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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