Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
