Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
