Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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