so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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