hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
