My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
