im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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