i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just high enough for therapy.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
