When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
