if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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