i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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