What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
