so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
