How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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