The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
