I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
