I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Boobs speak an international language.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
