Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
