It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
