I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
