ya dads aren't the best wingmen
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
