What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
