I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
