I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize