Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
