i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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