You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I want her autograph on my taint
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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