I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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