Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
