just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Even my vagina gasped.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
