Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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