just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
