Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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