The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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