what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Randomize
