sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
