some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
