a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Holy shit dude........stairs
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
