Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
