i jhust puked up my retainher.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
