What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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