some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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