Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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